


Not Alone

by AutisticWriter



Series: Autistic Headcanons [47]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Ableism, Angst, Autism, Autism Acceptance, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Adric, Autistic Doctor, Autistic Fifth Doctor, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Meltdown, Neurodiversity, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Sensory Overload, Stimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 05:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11141601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: In which Adric discovers that he isn’t the only autistic person in the TARDIS.





	Not Alone

Adric likes to be alone. He also likes to talk to people (especially when he can talk and talk about his favourite foods and mathematics), but he prefers being alone. Social interaction is so hard and draining that being alone is much less stressful, and he often has to slip away to be alone for a while when things get to intense.

Like now, when he is sat cross legged on his bed in his room, after having escaped from the others in the control room of the TARIDS. They’ve had a very busy (aka: dangerous) day, and Adric is rather tired and stressed. As he reads, Adric starts to rock backwards and forwards. The movement helps him concentrate, and so he focuses easily and reads the book as he rocks in his seat.

But he can’t help but think about how different he is to Tegan and Nyssa. They don’t have to hide away and calm down when something stressful happens. He knows it’s because of his autism, but he still hates how weak he seems compared to them.

And, of course, they are far more eloquent them him, never slipping up socially and making themselves look stupid in front of others. Because Adric always slips up socially, accidentally offending Tegan, coming across as rude without meaning to towards Nyssa, not getting a joke until far too late, and all the other things he has always done, embarrassing himself through his failed social encounters. They don’t mock him for it, but Adric can tell they think he is different, even weird.

But the Doctor doesn’t seem to mind. He doesn’t laugh at him or tell him off or anything like that, even when he knows his family back at home would have shouted at him for something like that. No, the Doctor just gives him a faintly reassuring smile and doesn’t mention it. It’s almost as if the Doctor understands.

Although he is almost certain he doesn’t.

\---

Everything’s too loud.

Tingling pains crackle along his skin, even his usually comfortable clothes feeling agonising against his skin. Tegan laughs at something and his ears want to implode. He wrings his hands, trying to calm his breathing. But it doesn’t work; the stress is rising, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can last.

“Are you all right, Adric?” Nyssa says. She touches his arm and he flinches, a pain like an electric shock jolting up his arm.

He doesn’t know what to say. Or what to do. He needs to get out of here. He can’t have a meltdown in front of the others. He has to get away.

Without saying a word, he rushes out of the room and down the corridor. As he runs through the TARDIS, Adric runs his hands through his hair, trying to calm himself down so he won’t have a meltdown. He can barely remember the way, but Adric eventually dashes into his bedroom and slams the door. He throws himself face down onto his bed, burrowing his face into his pillow. He lets himself sob, tears soaking into the pillow as the fabric muffles the sound of his cries. His emotions have gone haywire, and he feels scared and angry and sad all at once but at the same time he’s also numb. It’s a horrible feeling, but he knows it all too well.

Adric rolls onto his back, tears blurring his vision. He wipes his eyes, sobs catching in his throat. He forces himself to sit up, and rocks backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards as tears run down his face and his brain hurts from too many thoughts and his heart beats so fast he can feel it pulsing in his neck. He pummels his hands against his legs, the pain of his knuckles smashing into his thighs helping to ground him slightly.

But it isn’t enough. Nothing is enough. His hands smack against his face, his fingers pull his hair and he punches himself in the head. His ears are ringing, but he’s sure he’s sobbing very loudly. But he doesn’t know how to quieten himself. He can’t stop crying. He can’t stop hitting himself. He can’t stop the meltdown.

Tears dribble into his open mouth. The salty taste makes him gag and he spits out saliva, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He’s trembling, probably from adrenaline but he can’t be sure. All he knows for certain is everything is too loud and bright and intense and everything hurts. When will this end?

He hits his head again, pain jolting right through his head and making him very dizzy. He lurches to the side, almost falling out of bed but steadying himself just in time. He feels nausea flooding though his abdomen and wills himself not to vomit. Attempting to stop the dizziness, Adric opens his tightly clenched eyes and tries to focus on the wall.

Which is when he sees something that makes the nausea and dizziness a lot worse.

The Doctor is in the doorway.

He is staring at Adric, his eyes wide. “Sorry, Adric, I, I—”

“Go away!” he screams, his voice flat and stuttering.

Thankfully, the Doctor hurries out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

Someone has seen him having a meltdown, in one of his most vulnerable positions. He can’t bear it; he feels so sick and scared and embarrassed. And the humiliation makes him hit himself even harder, until there are bruises all over his legs and his head pounds with concussion.

\---

The meltdown goes on for far longer than usual, but it finally stops. He wonders if the Doctor’s interruption has anything to do with it – and then thinking about the Doctor makes his chest tighten with sudden anxiety.

What is he going to tell the Doctor? He can’t just pretend this never happened, regardless of how much he wishes he could. The Doctor will surely want to know what was going on; after all, it isn’t everyday you walk in on someone punching themself in the head.

Will the Doctor think differently of him now? Will he think he is weird (well, weirder than he already is)? Will he be scared of him? Will he hate him? He doesn’t know, and not knowing scares him in ways he doesn’t really understand.

He just has to hope that everything will be all right. Because he doesn’t know how he’ll cope if he loses the only friends he has ever had.

\---

It takes him three days to build up the courage to talk to the Doctor about his meltdown. The Doctor obviously hasn’t said anything to Tegan and Nyssa, because no one asks him about what happened. They just treat him like they always do. Which is good, because it makes him so anxious when things change.

He waits until Tegan and Nyssa have gone to bed before creeping out of his own bedroom. Anxiety surges through him as he walks through the TARDIS, and he has to run his fingers through his hair and take deep slow breaths to stop himself backing down and running back to him room.

Adric finds the Doctor in the control room, staring at the view screen and the image of the galaxy outside. He looks peaceful just staring out into space, and Adric feels a bit guilty for distracting him.

“Doctor?” he says, unsure how loud his voice is.

Luckily, the Doctor hears him. He turns his head and smiles when he sees Adric.

“Hello, Adric. What’re you doing up? I thought you’d gone to bed.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he lies, starting to chew his lips. “Um... Doctor, can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course you can,” the Doctor says. He frowns, obviously noticing Adric’s anxiety. “Is there something wrong?”

“No, not really. It’s just... I want to talk about the other day...” he says, staring down at his feet.

He is being ridiculously vague, but the Doctor understands. “Adric, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s not important.”

“But I want to,” he says, his words coming out snappier than intended. He needs to explain it to the Doctor; he can’t just let the Doctor think he was being pathetic or weird. “Please listen.”

“All right,” the Doctor says, giving him a brief yet reassuring smile. “I’ll listen. What do you want to tell me?”

Adric takes a deep breath and forces himself to look at the Doctor’s face (but not his eyes; he can’t make eye contact).

“I was having a meltdown,” he says, and he wonders why he feels so ashamed to say that. “Because... Because I’m autistic.”

“I know,” the Doctor says softly, and he smiles.

Adric stumbles backwards, his eyes widening. “Y-You know? How?”

“I noticed the traits in you. The way you speak, the way you react, the way you always stim. I mean, you’re doing it right now.”

“Stim?”

“It’s short for self stimulatory behaviour.”

He nods, understanding now. He looks down at his hands and realises that he has indeed been doing that, wringing his hands without even realising.

“How do you know about autism?” Adric asks. “The only person I ever knew who knew about it was the doctor who diagnosed me.”

The Doctor smiles and begins to flap his hands slightly at his sides. “Because I’m autistic too.”

“What?”

He can’t believe it. The Doctor, a Time Lord who can travel through space and time and has saved the universe many times, has the same developmental disability as him. The Doctor is disabled. A smile spreads across Adric’s face. The Doctor is autistic too!

“I’m also autistic,” the Doctor says. “You probably didn’t notice because... well, I often suppress a lot of my stims and traits. I know I shouldn’t, but it all stems from... well, let’s just say Gallifrey isn’t the best place to live as an autistic person.”

For a second, the Doctor looks like he might cry. But then he flaps his hands harder and looks happy again. Adric doesn’t want to ask him more questions in case he upsets him, but he has a feeling the Doctor is understating his treatment as a child. It sounds like he was treated awfully too, that he too had people hate him for who he is and try to stamp the autism out of him through ‘therapy’ and abuse. Although he hates that the Doctor has clearly been through hell, Adric can’t help but be amazed that he and the Doctor have so much in common.

“But I’m most definitely autistic,” the Doctor continues, his hands still flapping. He must see Adric looking at his hands, because he says, “Flapping has always been one of my stims, but I’ve preferred it much more since my last regeneration. But I only tend to do it when I’m with people I feel safe around.”

“Does that mean you feel safe with me?” Adric asks.

The Doctor nods. “Yes it does. And I know why you had a meltdown, Adric. Mine look a lot like that. I just didn’t mention it because I know how embarrassing they can make me feel.”

“You have meltdowns too?”

“Again, I was much more likely to have meltdowns in my last incarnation, but I still have them every so often. They’re horrible, aren’t they?”

“That’s a bit of an understatement, but yeah, they are,” Adric says, and he grins.

He can’t believe this has happened. It’s amazing to learn that he and the Doctor have so much in common – and that he hasn’t lost his friendship. If anything, their friendship is stronger than ever.

\---

After his and Adric’s conversation, the Doctor decides to tell the others about his own autism. He does it his own way, producing a slideshow and giving Tegan and Nyssa an in depth explanation about autism. He tells them what autism is, how it presents and what different words like ‘stimming’ and ‘meltdown’ mean. And, most importantly, he tells them that autism isn’t a bad thing, and that autism doesn’t mean you are broken.

And when he sees how amazingly accepting Tegan and Nyssa are (immediately understanding and asking the Doctor lots of questions like they’re really interested about autism), Adric decides to tell them too.

And nothing changes. They don’t hate him, they don’t treat him badly and they don’t think he’s weird. Everything just goes on like normal – except they now understand his sensory and social issues and do their best to make sure they don’t do anything to harm him. But nothing bad happens at all.

It’s just so amazing to finally be around people who accept him (and care about him) for who he really is.

\---

One day, the Doctor approaches him as he reads a very thick book about mathematics.

“I’ve got something for you,” he says.

Adric looks up so quickly his neck clicks. “A present?”

“Yes, a present,” the Doctor says, and he hands him a small package.

Adric grins and the Doctor smiles back. His fingers fumbling slightly, Adric unwraps the tissue paper and a small pin badge drops into the palm of his hand. The front of the badge shows rainbow-coloured infinity symbol on a red background.

“It’s the Neurodiversity symbol,” the Doctor explains as Adric studies the badge, fascinated by the colours and patterns. “It basically means you’re proud of your differences, you don’t see disability as a bad thing and you don’t want a cure. You can read about it in the databank. It’s a fascinating read. I thought you’d like it.”

“Like it? I love it!” Adric says, and he gives the Doctor a hug.

The Doctor looks a bit shocked to be being hugged, and Adric pulls away. But the embarrassment of having just hugged the Doctor doesn’t override his excitement at being given a gift like this.

“Thank you,” he says, and his voice shakes slightly and he he’s so happy even though he feels slightly like he wants to cry. “Thank you so much.”

And he pins the badge onto the front of his shirt, next to his blue star. And now wherever he goes, the badge will show that he is autistic, that he’s neurodivergent, that he’s proud of his differences, and that everyone who bullied him was wrong, because he’s autistic and loud and proud and he’s not defective and he’s just as valid as everyone else —and no one can take that away from him.


End file.
